When Hook Ups Go Bad

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I am a firm believer that hook ups can and should be healthy and fun, not desperate and damaging. I’m proud to have hooked up a good bit, and to have dated a few guys longer-term. But I have to admit, I had one hook-up that was a MAJOR misstep and a textbook example of desperate girl settling for less than she knows she wants in hopes that she can win a guy over. Haven’t we all had that one mistake?

This guy had been a friend of mine for a while, but we weren’t really all THAT close until we decided we hadn’t talked enough recently and needed to catch up. We started getting lunch and dinner together a lot more frequently, and since we were both involved in other hook up endeavors, we got to know each other without the pretense of it turning into something. But then both of our other endeavors died down, and all of a sudden we were both really aware of how much closer we’d gotten. We started hanging out after dinner had ended, talking at all hours of the night, and spending tons of time together. And then we hooked up.

It was amazing for a while. We knew each other really well, and really enjoyed each others company. But all along, I kinda had the idea in the back of my head that this was all leading somewhere, somewhere in boyfriend-girlfriend land. He must have sensed this, because he decided to tell me that he was NOT looking for a relationship, and that he just wanted to keep hooking up for however long we happened to want to hook up. I did admit that I was disappointed, but I told him and myself that I would put those boyfriend desires at bay and just enjoy the moment.

And I really did think that I could make myself forget that I wanted more, but somehow, in my mind, the situation turned into an agonizing test of my seduction and persuasion abilities. Maybe if we spend more time together, maybe if I show him that I’m not like his ex, maybe if I just give him time to reconsider, he’ll change his mind about what he wants… Sound familiar to you? Yeah, I thought so. I’m sure you can guess how this story ends, but I’ll tell you anyway. He didn’t change his mind, and he wouldn’t have, no matter how cool or fun or different from his ex I was. And I got hurt. Badly.

We’ve all heard a million times that if he doesn’t want what you want, he’s not worth it. He doesn’t deserve you. It will never work. And even when this situation happens to the very best of us, we almost always ignore the tried and true advice. Well, let me make sure you hear it one more time. He’s NOT worth it. Someone WILL want the same things you want. You CAN’T change his mind.

Just like if the situation were reversed and a guy wanted more out of a hook up than you did, he couldn’t change your mind. And (sorry to be blunt, ladies) just like you wouldn’t be worth all the pain and frustration for him. Ok?

So just don’t settle for someone who doesn’t want what you want. I know I never will again.